I wish I knew perfect. But I do not think perfect would ever want to be friends. I have a heart that has been broken. I have eyes that have seen un-truths. I have walked and turned my head away from perfect; leaving perfect with a permanent scar. No words could ever convince perfect to stay. I abused her with my actions; lied with my right hand up; perfect slept with the enemy...a reflection of imperfectness no mirror could reflect. Under a rock without hope, I wept, hoping to find a way. Broken and un-guarded, with only minutes to despair, I reverted back to old ways of thinking pushing me further into the abyss. Charting time and energy, not caring for the repercussions of my repetitious acts of selfishness. Forgive me. Piece by piece of my heart, mind and spirit began shredding away in a darkened place. Dry mouthed, no sense of time nor direction, my echoed sobs, intense tearing of eyes, and abandoned dreams collapsed me to my knees. There, in an instant, there I watched a part of me seek a new destination without my permission; Oh, what do I do now? My jig-saw puzzled life is only asking perfect to befriend me once the pieces of my heart become whole. Until then...

On the Cusp of Midnight

Before the midnight hour my mind will produce run-on sentences and fragmented visions describing how and why LOVE is important to me. Enclosed in a tiny box tucked under my beating heart, frustrated at times, praying someone LOVES me like Jesus loves the church. In my tiny box, lovingly at will, I want to share my compassions, deepest fears and regrets, yet remain on course of what tomorrow is destined to bring. Solemn within the scope of my inner-reality, I charge time to drum at my pace so I can vacuum every moment of love and relationship to succeed fail. Time withers. My desires intercepts snippets of HOW-TO-LOVE-GREAT. The word can't rallies itself into what-if-I-fail. Failure nestles its DNA along side my viewpoint. Ever damaging my perception. Time does not want me. Time does not wait for my healing. I want Love BUT the bleeding...the bleeding...the agony mixed with ecstasy had me writing a song for NINA. Time, take my hand. Let me understand you. Your so big I fear making excuses about working simultaneously with you. Love does not grow without time. From sunrise to sunset, all my thinking is time, love, time and love again. Remixing the two variables trying to enrich the process. As the midnight hour approaches, certain ideologies refuge my heart: (1) Never waste a moment; (2) Be in love with love; (3) You are loved unconditionally; (4) Love made you; when you die-love will remain; (5) You cannot control time, but you can control You. Not a power outage inside of my soul can manifest doubts of tomorrow. Even though, time does not wait, Love does. Its soothes. Its dictates. It erases. It builds. It caresses. People hurt. Love does not. I LOVE love. Two seconds till midnight and Jesus still loves the church. My tiny box is filling. My compassions, deepest fears and regrets still remain. One second left till midnight and Love's importance has increased. 12:00am....I LOVE YOU has been time stamped on...You.

I daydream in quiet. Letting the nearness of the thought processes comfort me. The struggle to find consistency in love has strengthened my doubt to ever find. Alone I feel. Maybe one day an arm will wrap itself around my heart blanketing my insecurities. Projecting my wants upon the world, sing aloud, too tired of playing stop-and-go with relationship desires-In search of what is needed, can do without the want. Just want to find miss forever so I can romance her with my eyes and say forever, ever, forever, ever...And watch our smiles slash through the midnight sky like a shooting star. As I am staring through the window praying in advance for your presence to be revealed, "God is good" I exhale in joy. Love is nearing. But I struggle in wait. My un-Godly acts create doubt. It feels good to be held sometimes. Winter looms over my bed-leaving only myself to hold. Kissing the night good-bye, another day to self-improve, I will continue to daydream in quiet. Love I am ready to embrace you. Are you ready to embrace me?

Beacon of Hope

Where shall life's road take me? As the broken white lines separate my hopes and dreams, the goal of experiencing both on the same side of the road seemed impossible. I walked the road searching to find... Many people abandoned ship when my trust set adrift. Looking upward at the unique structure of the earth that bottles me. Fighting through rough terrain, gasping for droplets of rain, praying as I am relentlessly pushing tirelessly forward searching to find... Love beckoned me to come home. Years ago, I soiled the welcome mat with ill-advised acts of coward-ness. Pulled myself on the side of the road, watched cars at light speed pass me by. Weary from going no-where, God please, I pleaded, slow me down; The road of hope became longer. Carefully, I hopscotched on the broken white lines searching to find... I needed something that No man, woman, money or fame could ever provide. A character transplant God fulfill me. Take my foolish eyes away from what is wanted to what is needed, so I can brand a new start. Allow me to run pass the finish line while keeping my eyes upon you Lord. Fighting through rough terrain, gasping for droplets of rain, praying relentlessly searching to find... God you are Love. You provide me unspeakable joy. Those same white broken lines merge into solidarity when you are present. The more I speak upon you, more and more people abandon me. As I fall victim to the back-peddle method, life becomes ambiguous. No longer will I live in eternal fear. Merrily, I walk. I sing, I dance, I romance the possibilities. I embrace the journey. I coincide with the rough terrain, droplets of rain become my portion providing me with just enough energy to stretch forward. "And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you. If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you (Matthew 17:20)

Psalm 51:10

With a highway of situational thoughts trafficking of what is yet to become, I dare not look over my shoulder because that is where pain lives. That is where liars live-cohabitating with players, con-men and egotistical factions. Took a few of belongings and a box of tissues in case my eyes need to drain themselves. Exhausted from the GAME, my desire to move forth into the next chapter of my life, in Godspeed, I journey. Facing the enemy in myself, I could not fathom the robust attitude of my ego any longer. Longing to find redemption by patterning what I say is what I mean and what I mean is what I will do stance, hoping Love will romance me once again. Facing adversity through my will to win again. Driven to watch my actions create joy in someone. Giving someone a hug of safety. Implanting God's word with every decision made. But my walk has to be in unison with God's purpose. Sometimes, Lord I just do not have the energy to keep walking. I get distracted by watching the planes fly in the sky. Often, the temptation to look over my shoulder blurs my forward watch. My heart hurts as if the problems that have failed me keep robbing my joy inside. The peace of love evades the power of my willingness to proceed budding an in-the-flesh contradiction. A straight line I walk, but my words color outside the lines creating a fictional portrayal of who I really am and truly what carries my heart. I love Love but I am afraid of placing my heart in the hands of another. No way can I succumb to heartbreak when my heart, fragile and recluse in its contentment, being alone has always been my master plan. Freedom of my mind Lord is what I am praying for. Not sure when I will get there, but I will get there Lord. I will walk in favor and bring an abundance of reassurance that I will move in fortitude of what is yet to become.

Thy beauty of thy heart

Placing permanent ink borders around my heart that is troublesome and lonely ensuring one does not across into a place where hurt may strike again. Not sure if my heart can carry the capacity of genuine; Daily struggles of remorse while carrying dead weight of what ifs'. From the chords of my lungs etching out silent songs tempo-ed by melodies saddened by decisions made with a coarse heart. Fabricated truths and written ploys of unrehearsed drama-a rathole of a screenwriter of lies I became. Nominated and voted unanimously by those whose thought processes resembled my very own in structure; only different being-my lies, hurts, remorse and tears are written in permanent ink. Trying to move forth by adding calculated synthetic protein additives to build muscle around my scarred and damaged heart. More muscle more problems it seems. I guess the synthetic ingredients of the protein cannot obscure a "dealing heart." A pledge of allegiance is warranted. But strength to place my hand over a muscle not yet mature to take on the rigors of life, has subjected me to a darkened room of no one to trade thoughts upon. A room, of very little light, to decipher what my next thought will look like because the limitless light gives no room for introspect. Where does a heart go when its worn? Like a frog on a lily pad, observing nature in 3D, my heart leaps from thoughts to conclusions, conclusions to thoughts, only to drown on the lily pad that could not hold my weight for very long. It is amazing how Thy beauty of thy heart controls what thy see in color. But when Thy heart is worn it channels All THINGS in black and white. Filled with the wonders of love, my heart and its lonely can only seek what it can truly define. By incorporating pre-cautionary measures and stricter rules to ensure joy, happiness, peace and elongated love and passion beyond what Cupid offers. If there were no me, my heart would still be relevant; if my heart succumbed to just words; love would be irrelevant. And once my heart defines someone who really justifies love, she will be regarded as "Heaven Sent." Thy beauty of thy heart controls what thy see in color; When thy heart is "dealing" the room becomes dark, lies resemble truths, and permanent scars become inked. The hurt will one day cease. The heart will beat in rhythm again. Be accepting of what is yet to come... Pray for thy beauty of thy heart.

Seeking to find the one. Hopeful that she will appear when my mind and heart are in alignment. Ready to welcome her with open arms and a sincere heart. She will be my Valentine's 365 days of the year. I will love her beyond the sunset. I will make love to her through the midnight hour. I will marry her dreams. I will cultivate her hopes into realities. She will be the period after every sentence created. She stares in my eyes with finalization. I say "Yes" as her lips press against my cheek whispering to me how happy she was that I Found her. I walk in faith. Talk in strength. Broke down many nights as alone befriended me. Wishful tears blurred my foresight at times, but I constantly reminded myself that as God closes one door, he opens ten more. Never thought I would feel insatiable joy again. But when God introduced me to you sweet woman, my legs succumbed to the promise of God, on my knees I fell, surrendering many thanksgivings. Love was remixed. Love never smelled so sweet. I never wanted this feeling to let me go. For years, my back angled itself against the wall while my thoughts became a prisoner of my unfaithfulness. Lost sight of the precious gifts brought forth in human form. Nevertheless, I destroyed faithful; never to make love to her ever again. Followed by deceit, self-doubt and loneliness. Drowning in my own tears, God placed a lifejacket over my heart and the reconstruction began. Fighting the temptations of sharing my body with the unknowns, I segregated myself from the powers that be. Muted and alone, I began walking down a different pathway. The road less traveled separated the truths from the fallacies by creating a place of refuge where I could rest and not feel ashamed. I clicked my heels three times and said "God, forgive me and allow me to continue to live and thrive in your intended purpose...forgive me." The sky roared as the sun bullied its way through the dark clouds. The rays of the sun kissed and found comfort on my darkened skin...I smiled. Without a moments noticed, she appeared. Her smile tickled my heart placing temporary dimples in my cheekbones. Her presence made me smile harder. Her calming words made me feel taller. God confirmed us as we. We as one. On the way we go...never to forget the journey of falling, getting back up, and going from glory to glory to glory. Welcome.